GiveAway: Simplicity Parenting Webinar

Winner of the Simplicity Parenting Webinar:

Karen of Ottawa, Canada!

Congratulations Karen!

Finding the support we need to help us connect with our kids is a great way to start the new year. Recently I posted about Kim John Payne's upcoming Simplicity Parenting Webinar here. And now I have some good news for all of you...they have generously offered us a free "seat" for the webinar to give to you!

Here's how to play: comment on this Play At Home Mom blog for one entry and share it on your facebook page for a second entry (be sure to let us know you shared it in a second comment). Giveaway begins today, December 29, 2012, and ends Monday, December 31, 2012.

Also, don't forget to check out the Simplicity Parenting FaceBook Page and Website for more information on how you can use "the extraordinary power of less to raise calmer, happier, and more secure kids."


Happy New Year!
PAHM

Painting With a Hot Glue Gun (when invitations are a BUST!)

Invitation to "paint" using a hot glue gun and crayons

I would like to preface this post by recommending that you NOT try this.  Unless there is some secret I don't know about that will get it to work - it doesn't. 

From an adult perspective, it’s a real bummer when invitations are a bust.  Sometimes it’s a real bummer for the child, too. If we are mindful, though, and take some time to think about it - there are some really great things that can come from an activity FAIL.

The Process – For this particular activity, my son was a participant in the set up.  He chose the COLORS (recognition) and HOW MANY (counting) crayons he wanted to use.  PEELING (fine motor skills/patience) the paper off of the crayons was another fun step that he enjoyed.  Once the glue gun was hot, he MANIPULATED (fine/gross motor skills) the crayon into the glue gun, which took some pushing!

Problem Solving – We realized quickly that this was going to be tricky.  How do we get the crayon in?  Do we need to wait in between squirts for the crayon to melt?  What happens when the crayons break?  What if we push the crayon instead of relying on the trigger?  How does this glue gun work anyway? 

Our crayons were breaking, the glue gun only worked a few times with the trigger, at one point it squirt across the room onto the wall, etc.  **Sigh**
It seemed to come out easier when we pushed the crayon, but that’s pretty tricky for little toddler hands.  WOW – this stinks.

Teaching Emotional Intelligence - As an adult who has all the tools I need to self-regulate, I’d say I handled it pretty well.  My son was frustrated, though, and curled up in a ball with his head down on the carpet.  He’s really quite good at self-regulating, but for many toddlers – something like this could cause an onslaught of developmentally appropriate emotions (AKA - a tantrum).  We can see this as an annoyance or an opportunity.  What a wonderful opportunity to “teach” emotional intelligence.  An opportunity to validate our children’s emotions, empathize with their feelings, and model compassion as we remain fully present and supportive through those emotions.

So you see - even when we put in all of that effort to set up invitations for our children – and they are a bust – it’s never for “nothing”.   The reality is that everything is an opportunity to teach/learn and connect with our children.

- AK (MESE, MECD)

A Child's Perspective

My daugher LOVES to take pictures. Seriously. Which is one reason I'm incredibly greatful for digital pictures. She has been taking pictures with my camera and phone for years...and she's only 3. Ok, so maybe for 1.5 years. Still. She loves to take pictures.

She usually takes multiple pictures. And sometimes they're quite funny.

Other times they peek my curiosity: What is it she's seeing? What is she thinking? What is she trying to capture?

 


After a recent shopping trip I flipped through the pictures and found these:



 

 

 I was a little taken aback by these; walking away, distracted. I wanted to delete them even though I remember having quite a good time laughing and playing with her on this excursion. But still, it struck me in that odd sort of way certain things do. What does she think when she sees me do this?

I try to remember that viewing life from her perspective not only means seeing the world through her eyes, but also through her experiences and emotions. And in reality I can only see so much, and for everything else I can only be curious; and I am really curious!

 

 

It really struck me: this is how my daughter sees the world and the things around her; it is how she sees me. It seems so obvious, really. But there was something about these pictures that really brought her perspective clearly into my vision...literally. I am in awe of her ability to create in me such a strong sense of self reflection. Going back through my pictures more thoroughly I discovered something I already knew...I love her perspective. I love that I am suddenly more aware of her perspective in a way that is all at once surreal, ethereal, and grounded, all at the same time. A perspective different from my own. I love that she has this wonderful interest in capturing the world as she sees it. And that she wants to share it with me.

How do your children uniquely see the world?

Note: Addi takes a lot of pictures. She's still honing her skills. Lest you think she's a child prodigy, here are some of her other pictures!

 

 

In Her Own Time

I know the value of following a child's interests. I've witnessed it, the full engagement, curiosity, hypothesis building and rebuilding, cognitive restructuring...yada, yada yada. But that doesn't mean it's always easy; afterall, adults have interests too! I'd been wanting to make birdfeeders since...October? Not Addi. I set up the invitation (twice) and she ignored it. She wasn't interested, or maybe she wasn't ready or she didn't feel connected to the idea. It doesn't really matter. She didn't want to make bird feeders. So we continued to explore her interests...of which there are always plenty. We painted, played hide-and-seek, painted some more, and one day she asked for water beads. As nature would have it, the bowl we left outside the previous day filled with rainwater and had a thick layer of ice on top; Addi decided it would be a perfect place for the beads to "grow."  Later she checked on them and discovered the ice was gone, which led to a discussion on the different properties of water and several trips to the freezer for ice cubes, which we watched melt in the sun. I love watching how she thinks and problem solves and develops her own hypotheses.



Yes, you can smell the water beads

 And then one day (several MONTHS later) it happened..."mom, the birds are eating worms. Hey, can we make bird feeders?" YES! I grabbed my camera ready to document the project, and then she said, "Mom, can you not take pictures, please?" Clearly she had enough picture taking and wanted my undivided attention. Sure.

Because she made birdfeeders at her preschool's Winter Festival she knew the "how to" basics. We went outside to gather pinecones, discussing their different sizes, shapes, and prickly properties: "Ouch! Mom, can you pick them up when I find them?" Sure. "Or how about we use gloves?" That sounds like an idea worth trying.

Then we went back inside where we poured, measured, squished, and ran our fingers through everything while building our birdfeeders. I am not exagerating when I say we spent over an hour exploring and talking about how everything felt, smelled and looked; their differences and similarities, what we liked and disliked about everything, and why, why why ("do you have any ideas, Addi?"). We made a gigantic mess and decided not to clean it up until after we sprinted outside to find the perfect place to hang them...and right before we went outside she said, "you can take some pictures now if you want." Ahhh, thanks little pumpkin spice!

How's this face, mom? Perfect.

We scoped out the trees in our backyard to hang our 9 birdfeeders. Eye level seemed just right!

Yes you can be sure it's hanging securely

I love making and hanging birdfeeders! The mess? Well, it waited until after snack, reading books, bedtime, and until she woke up the next day ready for another action-packed day...after breakfast, that is. Clean-up, like making birdfeeders, was also done in her own time.

Note: I have to admit, sometimes I'm more flexible than other times. Yet I always find that the more flexible I am, the better I am able to connect more deeply with my daughter, which means fewer power struggles & frustrations, and more fun & laughter; and sometimes even better sleep for us all. Of course, it's always easier to feel more flexible when my own curiosities and interests are also satisfied. But when they're not I try to remember it's an opportunity to stretch my mama muscles (coping skills, patience, curiosity about my daughter, etc.).

Bad Days

Even PAHM moms have grouchy times, or at least I do. One particularly long-lasting grouchy spell I thought would never end. And while I tried to be mindful of my responses and presence, I was still anything but fun. Honestly, it took all my energies to say "yes" and take deep breaths. Afterall, who wants to make big messes and dance around in circles when they don't feel good? I didn't fake it; kids "can smell a lie like a fart in a car," and I didn't want to complicate the already full emotional static in the air. I told Addi I wasn't feeling well, I engaged when I could, and I set up invitations: playdough, cooking, painting and finally a watercolor invitation that became a foot-mixing project - LOL




Yes, you can stand in the bowl


I set them up to both engage my emotionally responsive daughter and distract her from my mood. While she happily engaged in the invitations, she also checked in with a smile or an exclamation "look at this one, mama!" or a simple hug. Surely this beautifully intelligent child could pull me out of my mood? I wanted desperately for it to happen, but the more I resisted my mood the further I seemed to fall into my dark hole. Then while packing some boxes I came across a book I read this summer, "Last Child in the Woods" by Richard Louv. It was just the reminder I needed of the healing powers in nature. So I stopped setting up play invitations and took Addi to the woods...

Yes, you can hike in a sundress

 She took her jacket off and RAN, stepping over rocks and roots and falling trees and calling out, "c'mom!" I ran along, a smile finding its way to my lips. She found her way to the stream, took her shoes and socks off, and waded into the water. She found sticks to throw and rocks to upturn as she looked for salamanders and crawdads.

Yes, you can take wade in the creek.

She stopped to sit on a log and look at the sunlight streaming through the trees saying, "let's sit and rest." She watched her furry sister TJ and asked, "what's she looking for?" I asked what she thought, then watched her think, both of us with smiles. She suggested TJ was just enjoying being in the woods and creek, "just like us!" she exclaimed.

Yes TJ, you can explore without your leash

While this wasn't a complete cure for whatever was ailing me at the time, I did find some genuine laughter as I raced through the woods singing songs with my fully engaged daughter. That evening I reflected on my somewhat lightened mood and knew the clouds were lifting. The combination of nature and my daughter helped me to once again find laughter and connection. I hope to remember this sooner next time.

I don't know what the overall message is here. Maybe there are several - don't beat yourself up for having negative emotions? Give yourself compassion? Remember the power of nature to recharge and reconnect? All parents have bad days? Maybe all of them. But I thought I'd share and hope you find something for yourself. -ab

The Therapeutic Process of Play

“Play relieves feelings of stress and boredom, connects us to people in a positive way, stimulates creative thinking and exploration, regulates our emotions, and boosts our ego.” (Landreth, 2002)

Working with kids, teens and parents who are trying to cope with overwhelming emotions and destructive behaviors is an intense way to learn the real power of play. Beyond all my formal education, the theories I learned, and the research papers and books I’ve read (and continue to read), witnessing the ways in which play can heal and empower individuals and families has been influential to the way I view and interact with my own daughter, and how I conceptualize her play. I believe play is therapeutic for people of all ages, but since the focus here at PAHM is children, I want to focus on how it helps kids work through everyday emotional (sleep issues, death of a family member), physical (tying shoes, sensory issues) & relational (fighting with siblings, aggression) challenges. Play has the power to help children work through their fears, anxieties and conflicts in ways that talking simply cannot. Play also has the power to heal and strengthen the parent-child relationship by bringing the focus to the parent-child relationship and away from the problem. Even those of us in the field of therapy understand the healing process of play is somewhat of a mystery, and yet there it is for us to witness every day. The following essay is a combination of how I approach play with my daughter and some of the basic principles of play therapy simplified for everyday use with our children as they play.

“Birds Fly. Fish Swim. Children Play.” –Gary Landreth

1. Choosing Toys: As an practicing advocate of "Simplicity Parenting," our family has very few, if any, battery operated, singing, flashing, etc. toys in the house. I feel they limit creativity, and frankly they drive me more than a bit bonkers. Luckily child-focused research on learning, creativity and motivation supports the notion that such toys limit creativity, decrease attention span and lower motivation to learn. So I don't feel too guilty about limiting the toys that are invited to play in our home. J So what kind of toys do we have? Children need open ended toys to encourage creativity, critical thinking and expression of the child’s thoughts needs and feelings: anger, fear, sadness, joy, surprise, disgust. Here is a list of toys with open ended therapeutic value; while it is not exhaustive, it is a good place to start:

• Real-Life: Dolls, bottles, doctor kit, phone, dollhouse, family figures, play money, cars, kitchen utensils, a variety of animals, doctor kit
• Aggressive: dart guns, rubber bendy knife, rope, animals, soldiers, bop bag, mask
•  Emotional Expression: playdough, crayons, paper, scissors, tape, egg carton, deck of cards, soft foam ball, balloons, magic wand
•  I think it is also helpful, though not essential, to have a medium of play, such as a large pan or sensory table of sand, beans, or water to hide, bury or build.

A word about aggressive play and toys: There is a misconception that allowing children to play with aggressive toys such as guns and knives will teach them to be aggressive. But child development research, and play therapy research in particular, shows children need to  express their aggressive emotions in play in order to release them, rather than carrying them throughout the day (to school, the grocery store, grandma’s house, etc.). Everyone has negative feelings that need to be accepted, noticed and expressed in healthy ways in order to release them; children are no different. Our job as parents is to guide them toward appropriate expressions of their negative emotions, “you’re really angry and you want to hit mommy, but mommy is not for hitting. You can hit the pillow or you can stomp your feet and say ‘I’m really angry!’” Developing emotional intelligence is key to raising healthy, compassionate and capable children, and play combined with appropriate boundaries teaches them emotional intelligence.

2. Setting the stage for play is important. Chaos in the home creates anxiety in children, whether the chaos is emotional (yelling) or physical (disorganization). Children feel less anxious when toys are organized, rather than scattered or piled up in boxes where they have to dig around to find them. In our home we decided to display certain toys on shelves (2-3 books, paper, markers, blocks, dolls, kitchen) and put specific toys in bins (paint, dress up, soft animals, doll accessories) for space and functionality reasons, but they always go back in the same box and returned to the same place. In addition to decreasing a child’s anxiety, toy organization also increases their ability to access that toy when they seek it out. I quickly discovered that in order for us to get and stay organized we also had to simplify; we gave away many toys and we put the rest away to swap out every few weeks. I’ve also found that displayed toys and boxed toys change over time; your child will lead the way in this matter as well.

Shelves: 3 books, 3 animals, paper, markers, crayons, scissors
Boxes: musical instuments, baby supplies, kitchen supplies

Kitchen, light table, play space
Shelves: blocks, light table supplies, puzzle

This is "behind the scenes" in the above picutres (LOL)
Addi orchestrated a morning meeting with animals, books & letters

3. So how does play "work"? Children want to connect with us and they want know we care about their thoughts, feelings and needs. Play is a wonderful opportunity to do this while also giving them the opportunity to work through the everyday challenges they face. Our role is to allow the child to lead in play while we follow without making suggestions or asking questions. Parents can join in the play when invited or to help a child become interested in play, but children make all the decisions and find their own solutions without our interference. Sometimes this means it’s important to “play dumb” in order to empower our children, “you want me to open that? Hmmmm. Show me what to do.” Our purpose is not to frustrate our children, it is to empower them; our goal is to help children feel capable in the presence of adults who seem capable of doing everything with great ease. Most importantly, this means we need to be present with our child while they play. There are several important ways to demonstrate our attentiveness:

• Body language conveys strong messages, so our body should be facing our child.
• Tracking our children’s play  it is a way to let them know we’re present, paying attention, and interested without leading or making suggestions: “you’re stacking those up,” “you’ve decided to put that there.” “you’re thinking about what you want to do next.”  When Addi is playing I don’t usually name an object unless she has given it a name. For example, if she’s playing with blocks I don’t call them blocks unless she does - a square block might represent an airplane or a bed. So I just follow her lead. 



Addi invited her Dad to play...he's in "jail"



• Similar to tracking is reflecting our child’s feelings. Reflecting helps our children feel understood and communicates our acceptance of the many feelings they experience no matter how big the feelings. This teaching of emotional intelligence gives children the words they need to recognize and accept their feelings and  release them in behaviorally appropriate ways: “you’re excited you got that open,” “You’re sad grammy left,” “you’re angry about losing the game.” The key is to remember that all feelings are acceptable; behaviors sometimes need limits. 

• Which brings us to the importance of appropriate limit-setting. No one can play freely if they are first bombarded with a bunch of rules to follow, so it’s important to hold off on stating limits until the moment they are needed. Limits are stated in ways to give children responsibility for their own actions and behaviors: “I know you want to pour water on the baby, but the baby is not for pouring water on. You can pour water on the bush or in the sensory table.” Or “I know you want to throw the jar, but the jar is not for throwing. You can throw the pillow or the ball.”  It is equally important to only impose limits necessary to keep everyone safe and the toys intact. Some toys may be okay for destruction (common destructive toys are army men, egg cartons, paper and balloons) – everyone’s threshold for this is different, so you will have to decide what’s right for your family. Be consistent, and remember it’s okay to change your mind, just let your kids know “I made a mistake. I thought I would be okay with you breaking that, but now I’m not okay with it. Let’s play with that gently. You can destroy the egg carton or tear paper instead.”

Addi loves to paint on herself.
We have established that sharpies are for paper.

A note on emotional responsiveness: Gary Landreth, a premier therapist and researcher calls upon us parents to “be a thermostat, not a thermometer!” It is our job to reflect the child’s feelings, not take the child’s feelings and make them our own. This can be difficult to do and may take quite a bit of practice. Imagine your child gets very angry and starts to get physically and verbally aggressive. You have two choices, you can absorb her anger and begin shouting back, which escalates everyone’s behavior and leaves you both miserable. Or you can look at her anger without judgment and reflect them back to her “you are feeling really angry with me right now. I know it is really hard to stop when you’re having so much fun.” This responsive statement is empowering for everyone: your child feels heard and understood without feeling attacked, and you remain the calm eye of the storm. No one gets sent to their room, no one’s heart is beating out of their chest, and the relationship remains intact.

Playing with our children and allowing our children to lead play their are two of the greatest gifts we can give them. Whether your child is working through her own "stuff" or just occasionally has an unexplained sullen mood, learning to help our children work through their struggles can benefit both our children and our parent-child relationship. While this is certainly not an exhaustive "how to" article, it can serve as a place to start. For more information or training please check out the books in the resources (listed below) and look for a Filial Training workshop in an area near you.

Resources:

Sue C. Bratton, Garry L. Landreth, Theresa Kellam and Sandra R. Blackard, “Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) Treatment Manual.: (2006).

Garry L. Landreth, “Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship.” (2002)

Kim John Payne and Lisa M. Ross, “Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier and More Secure Kids.” (2010)

Need more reasons to believe in play? Play helps children:

·         Become more responsible for behaviors and develop more successful strategies.

·         Develop new and creative solutions to problems.

·         Develop respect and acceptance of self and others.

·         Learn to experience and express emotion.

·         Cultivate empathy and respect for thoughts and feelings of others.

·         Learn new social skills and relational skills with family.

·         Develop self-efficacy and thus a better assuredness about their abilities.

Children can express their troubles in play more easily than they can express their thoughts and feelings verbally: "toys are like a child’s words and play is the child’s language." (G. Landreth). Through play children can learn more appropriate behaviors, encounter the corrective emotional experience necessary for healing, and experience the resolution of inner conflicts or dysfunctional thinking.



A Kids Day: A Simple Way to a Simpler Day

Last year I was looking for ways to simplify my daily life with my daughter but didn't know where to start. One morning my daughter's preschool (Atlanta Progressive Preschool) had a parent coffee and the director mentioned the book "Simplicity Parenting" by Kim John Payne during the discussion. I read it and found it was full of inspiring reasons to simplify my life as well as useful and practical ideas for how to simplify, from finances to food. So of course I found the website and facebook page too. Unfotunately I was having a tough time keeping my days in a simple rhythm...my bad habits had me running poorly planned errands; I wanted to change, but kept getting distracted. Then I came across Traci McGrath's Daily Rhythm Charts.

Daily Rhythm Tree Chart

I fell instantly in love with their beauty, simplicity and ease of use. Over the past year Traci and I have developed one of those unique-to-social-media relationships through our mutual interest in helping children behave better by first helping them feel better. She explains on her website A Kids Day "When my first child was three, I saw firsthand the importance of establishing a strong, predictable daily rhythm. A regular routine can work wonders - behavior is improved, stress is reduced, learning is increased." She also admits that she "needed some visual reminder to keep me in a routine." Phew! I wasn't the only one!

Magnets for the Tree chart; pictures help children "read" the activity

Having a strong daily rhythm is infinitely important in our lives, especially for young children. It allows us to  get things done on time, have less anxiety, and can even help us keep our lives simple. This daily rhythm may look different for different families; some may be more structured than others, and the number of activities a family chooses for their lives vary. But ultimately children thrive when they know "what's coming next."

Ladybug Rhythm Chart

Implementing a daily rhythm can reduce stress and improve behavior by meeting a child's underlying need for predictability. It also gives us as parents the opportunity to model treating people with dignity and respect. When we involve our children in  reviewing or planning the daily routine we show them how much we value them as individuals. Of course we can't always let them plan each activity (maybe we'd be at the creek all day or playing in a glowing bath...our cupboards might stay empty!), but our children will give us gentle, beautiful reminders to slow down and remember the important role of play in everyone's life.

Night Rhythm Owl Chart

The school year is beginning for many families, whether they are in public school, private school, or homeschool, and life can feel very full and chaotic for parents and children alike (and for those of you that unschool, this may feel true all year round). It's easy for family time to diminish in the flow of activities, and sometimes we need some help slowing down for ourselves and for our children. Traci's charts have been a simple and beautiful daily reminder for me and Addi to slow down and prioritize...and of course the ever-important planning as well!

Traci McGrath creates the rhythm charts at A Kid's Day and writes a blog Educated For Love. She has two boys, ages 4 and 1, who love digging in the dirt, collecting bugs, making up games and stories, and playing music; together as a family they love being outside and camping. I hope you'll check out her work and I know you'll enjoy it as much as I have!

Everything good,

Amy

Resources:

A Kids Day: http://www.akidsday.com/
Simplicity Parenting, by Kim John Payne
website: http://www.simplicityparenting.com/

Learning through pictures

I take A LOT of pictures in this house!  They are a very important part of play for us...they are one of the best "toys" we have.

I come from a big family and they all live far away.  I keep a picture frame in the playroom with family and friends that are close to us.  If someone is coming to visit we point them out and talk about it ahead of time.  I always like to give them a visual. We use this frame a lot when they receive gifts as well.  I show them who gave it to them and usually tell them a little story about how we know them etc.  

I make a lot of story books for big adventures that we have.  Here is a recent one I made from our trip to NY.  Both my daughters love these books.  The conversations that go on while flipping through these are wonderful.  I got the photo album at the dollar store.  They could look at these all day!  They are also great for car trips. 

Emotional Intelligence and feelings....  I made these picture cards for my youngest and we use them probably every day.  I did this for my oldest as well and she loved them.  It is a laminated 5 x 7 picture with velcro tape on the back.  We have them up on the felt board here.  Some of the emotions/feelings we are woking on right now.
Top picture - More mommy time  

Middle left - Loving

Middle middle - Sad/angry  

Middle right - More daddy time  

Bottom left - Happy/excited  

Bottom middle - Tired/Sleepy  

Bottom right - Hungry!  (LOL)

For some great articles on EI please check out the AHA parenting blog:
http://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=5916234&A=SearchResult&SearchID=2500478&ObjectID=5916234&ObjectType=1
http://www.ahaparenting.com/Default.aspx?PageID=1280630&A=SearchResult&SearchID=2500405&ObjectID=1280630&ObjectType=1


RL  

Teaching Emotional Intelligence during play

Do you want your children to have an advantage in every aspect of their life?  Forget about academics, teach them emotional intelligence.  Emotional intelligence is probably the most important thing you can model and teach your children.  It gives them tools they will need to regulate their emotions, empathize with others, think, reason, create, overcome obstacles in life, and rise above in the face of difficulties.  Emotional intelligence is probably best taught through modeling and empathy – but let’s not forget about teaching it during the realm of PLAY!

Here is a great article about Emotional Intelligence…

http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetrieve.aspx?PostID=112264&A=SearchResult&SearchID=2500586&ObjectID=112264&ObjectType=55

I have been working on emotions with my son from a very early age.  I had these emotion cards that I used with my students before I became a PAHM.  Initially we would just look at the pictures and I would state the emotions.  They were already laminated (from my classroom).  I added Velcro to the back so my son could put them on his felt board.  Watching the progression and his emotional intelligence blossom has been quite amazing.  Many people say that toddlers do not understand emotional intelligence.  In my son’s case, I tend to disagree.  If we are out, he identifies the feelings of those around us and shows empathy for them – “Mommy, she’s sad?  We need to give her a hug.  Im so sorry she is feeling that way.  Maybe a hug would make her feel better.”  These picture cards are a great way to reinforce and talk about emotions.  They inspire critical thinking and open ended questions as well.  :)

(These are stored just under his felt board - the large set is in the basket and I have a smaller set in on of the pockets of the organizer.  HE initiates this play.)

AK

MESE, MECD

He is telling me how all of the children are feeling.

Showing me what "thinking" looks like.  LOL

 

Showing me "surprised".